Have you ever spoken andwished that you could immediately take the words back or that you couldcrawl into a hole? Here are some priceless quotes:...
*I walkedinto a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and askedloudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turnedaround and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say aword. He knew better*.
*I was at the golf store comparingdifferent kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type Ihad been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached byone of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked ifhe could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I thinkI like playing with men's balls."*
*My sister and I were at themall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As wewere looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked ifwe needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." Mysister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turnedbeet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let meforget about it.*
*Have you ever asked your child a question toomany times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with pottytraining and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bellfor a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a fulldining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so ofcourse I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then Irealized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I askedhim if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord,that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."Then I said, "Dan!, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," hereplied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because thesmell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, didyou have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUSTFARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacoslaughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couplemade me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!*
*Thishad most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a veryembarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely thinkbefore she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't getany? A true story. We had a female news anchor who the day after it wassupposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not onlydid HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!
*Whileon a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanutsand cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined upwaiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got amessage from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyonebuckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grabyour drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off", No one saw her forthe rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses werelaughing all the way and half of the passengers.
*I was workingin an aquarium, when some new guy who was recently hired was given thetask of feeding the fish. He started throwing in friggin peanuts! Iwalked up to him, looking angry, and said to him, "Damn it! They can'tdigest that! All they can do is lick your nuts!". Needless to say, Iquit.