The story of Oedipus.
This font is smaller than the last.
A man can only justify his actions if he regards his demeanor with
deductive thinking. This man was not Oedipus, mainly because he was a
fucking douche bag. One must know who Oedipus was to understand the
period in which it was written. This is my thesis statement. The
Greeks contributed many things to our culture, such as olives, gyros,
Lenny Kravitz, anal sex, and Oedipus. Oedipus will be remembered
though out time because he suffered from Lou Gehrig’s disease, and
that’s why he couldn’t play baseball in the first Olympic games. He
will always be remembered for his journeys and his love for the New
York Yankees.
1821, Associated Press
Lou Gehrig is smiling because He got daily rim jobs from the girls at Scores.
Laius and Jocasta were king and queen of Thebes, a town in Greece.
They were fucking around and Laius forgot to strap his shit. One day
they had a baby boy. An oracle prophesied that the boy would grow up
and kill his father and marry his mother. Laius was like fuck that
shit, that’s gay. To thwart the prophecy, Laius and Jocasta decided
to kill their baby. They fingered his butt hole and sent him on his
way. In those days, it was usual to leave an unwanted or defective
baby in the wilderness. laius and Jocasta did this. To be
extra-sure, they pierced his little feet and tied them together.
(Don’t worry about this detail, which makes no sense. It must have
been introduced to explain the hero’s name.) A kindly shepherd found
the baby in a pool skimmer. He gave the baby to a friend, who took it
to Corinth, another town. (Corinth reappears in the New Testament.
Under the category of DVDA, versus 63). The king and queen of Corinth
couldn’t have a baby of their own. The king has a bad case of the
limp dick. So they adopted the foundling. Nobody every told little
Oedipus that his mother was never pregnant. She aborted a kitten
into a toilet in the back of a Denver Denny’s. One day, after he had
grown up, a drunk mentioned his being adopted. Oedipus killed the
bum. Oedipus questioned his parents, but they denied it. Oedipus
visited various oracles to find out whether he was really adopted.
All the oracles told him instead that he would kill his father and
marry his mother. He told them that they were dissing’ him so he
grabbed his 12 sided double dildo and left town. (None of this makes
much sense. Again, don’t worry about it. This is a folk tale not a
goddamn Oxy Clean Commercial). To thwart the oracles, Oedipus left
Corinth permanently. He then sought out Billy Mays and had gay sex
with him, at the time it was considered polite. (Again, don’t worry.
Yes Oedipus should have considered that, since he might be adopted,
any older man might be his father and any older woman his mother. But
this is a folk tale.) Traveling the roads, Oedipus got into a traffic
squabble and killed a stranger who (unknown to him) was King Laius.
Oedipus snorted two lines of pure cocaine off his dead dad. In one
version, there was a dispute over right-of-way on a bridge. In those
days, high rank got to go first, Oedipus identified himself as heir to
the throne of Corinth, and for some reason (again, don’t worry about
it)
This is page 3
Laius’s people simply attacked instead of explaining that he was king
of Thebes. They were dumb Green dudes, what did you expect an atomic
bomb? Some versions say that the rude Laius drove over Oedipus’s sore
foot, making him lose his temper. This is bullshit don’t believe it
or I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU, AND YES THIS IS A WRITTEN THREAT! And
that’s what Oedipus told his father.
One should ANALize the poetry on page 43, when Oedipus is rolling in
his benzo and he has to bust a cap on some flagrants in the under
city.
Riding in the benzo, poppin my colla
See some fine wenches, I hafta holla
Diamonds, gold, and all the mighty dolla
I’m oedipus bitch, the original balla.
I bust out my 9, to light up your impala.
Fuck that police!
Dr. Dre got most of his inspiration from the Green story of Oedipus.
Soon Oedipus’s smarts saved the town of Thebes, and he was made king.
In fact the only reason Dr. Dre produced, “The Chronic” because the
Bible tells you to smoke lots of pot, and Oedipus used to blaze with
the makers of Aqua Fresh tooth paste.
Oedipus married Laius’s widow, Queen Jocasta. So basically he was
fucking his own mom which was fucking nasty. He ruled well, and they
had four children. Eventually, Oedipus and Jocasta found out what had
really happened. Imagine your like jamming your mom and you have 4
kids, then the feds come to your house and say that she was your mom,
and you were like ya? So? And they were like, well that’s gross and
illegal. (You must assume that accidentally killing your father and
marrying your mother is a disaster.) Jocasta committed suicide with a
pimento and Oedipus blinded himself and because a wandering beggar,
because the Beatles did it and that was cool. In the version which
must have been the favorite of Sophocles’s Athenian audience, Oedipus
found sanctuary at Colonus, outside of Athens. The kindness he was
shown at the end made the city itself blessed. Which is the gayest
ending ever. The greeks invented anal lube. This is my conclusion.
The end.
Works Cited:
www.yahoo.com
www.google.com
www.tubgirl.com