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Before I begin, I should warn you that I know dick about fashion. It's notjust a clever title to get your attention, though it's admittedly clever (I'm honest enough to admit when something is brilliant, even when it'smy own writing).

You shouldn't read this article ifyou're a woman with low self-esteem. Idon't need my inbox filled with emails from teary-eyed women reaffirming howastute my observations are by shrieking at me for ruining their lives.

Women get away with murder in our society, especially when it comes to thevisual pollution they call fashion. So I'm going to do what few people—fewmen—have ever done by criticizing you. Sure, you may be thinking "butMaddox, people criticize women's fashion all the time!" Yes, but notmen, and definitely not badasses like me.... Until now.

Crocs look like shit and they make your feet smell.

When I see people wearing Crocs, I knowimmediately that we have nothing in common, and that we could never be friendsor have any meaningful kind of relationship.They come in every color imaginable yetlook bad with every other article of clothing ever created.The only thing that goes with Crocs is social ostracism.

People who wear Crocs go on and on about how comfortable they are, and how it'ssupposedly odor resistant because it's made out of some kind of anti-bacterialfoam. Great point, dipshits! You know what else it's resistant to? You getting laid.Then as if the shoes weren't disgusting enough, Crocs introduced a product called"Crocs butter" that's supposed to restore that illustrious injection-moldedsheen to those gaping holes they call shoes:

You know that feeling you get when you're full and slightly nauseous and you burpand you can taste the partly digested food in the back of your throat? There isn'ta word in the english language to succinctly describe it, but I will hereby refer toit as: croc-butter.

Red lipstick makes you look like a clown:

There are very few people who look good in red lipstick, and those peopleusually juggle for a living. I once met a girl who was able to pull it off, so I let her buy me dinner. Later that night she was making out with mywang, when I realized that all that lipstick was rubbing off.

Self-aggrandizing "hottie" shirts make you look like a bitch:

There are two types of girls who buy these shirts: 13-year-olds junior-high brats, and29-year-old chicks who are too tan and wear way too much lip gloss, and trydesperately to look like they're younger than 29. The real problem here is thatwomen who wear these shirts start to believe their own bullshit after a while.The shirt at the top emblazoned with the phrase "you say I'm a bitch like it'sa bad thing" epitomises this attitude. Guess what? It is a bad thing.